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| Others; my latest story | |
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| Topic Started: Aug 5 2007, 05:52 AM (202 Views) | |
| soul of sin | Aug 5 2007, 05:52 AM Post #1 |
Royal Deity
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Others: Chapter 1 – Girls and Guys “Hey what’s that?” “I don’t know.” “Watch out!” “Oh crap! Get out of the way!” “Look something’s coming out of it!” “It looks like a girl… with a tail?” BOOM! A thunderous explosion rumbled out through the strange orb of light. The girl creature that had coming running out was caught in the shockwave and thrown forward. She sailed through the air and hit the side of the nearby school building. “Oh my god! She’s hurt, and badly,” thought Jake, the only student who hadn’t decided to run away and hide. He just stood there, leaning against the wall of the building to the left, and watched the scene unfold before him. His eyes were wide with shock and confusion. What was going on here? Even he had never seen anything like this before, he who had a very strange and dangerous past. The girl creature seemed to of been knocked unconscious when she hit the wall, and see wasn’t moving. “Maybe she’s dead?” he thought, standing up right and moving slightly closer to the girl but still keeping distance. “Huh? What the?” he half whispered to himself as his gaze went from the girl creature to the portal. The figure of a man appeared from the portal, carrying something large. He appeared to be looking for something, and found it. He began walking forward as his gaze landed upon the girl creature. Jake could see now that the object the man was carrying was in fact a crossbow, a really big crossbow. “Oh no, he’s going to kill her!” Jake thought as he suddenly realised what was going on. The man raised his weapon and was taking aim as Jake rushed from his spot by the wall towards the girl. Jake growled inwardly as he saw the man pull the trigger of his oversized weapon. “Nooooooo,” Jake yelled as he lunged forward, reaching out with his right hand to try and grab the crossbow bolt. There was a moment of silence, broken by the sound of the bolt piercing flesh and a cry of pain. Jake hit the ground with a thud. He rolled onto his side and stared at his right hand, the crossbow bolt had gotten stuck in his palm. Half the bolt poked out either side of his hand, blood flowed smoothly down his wrist and to his elbow where it began to soak into the dirt. His whole body shook from the unexpected pain, his face was a contorted mix of anger and pain. Jake grunted as he tried to haul himself up with only one hand, holding the injured one close to his chest. “What?! Get out of the way boy! This, this, this… THING, is dangerous! Get out of the way so I can kill it,” bellowed the man. He was obviously shocked by Jake’s sudden actions and pissed off that he hadn’t managed to kill the creature yet. He rushed forward, another bolt already loaded into his crossbow, pushing Jake aside and bringing his weapon up to aim at the creatures head. “STOP! You are no longer in your own world. Leave now or else. We do not allow people like you to enter here,” Jake called out to the man as he got up onto his knees. He glared at the man as he lowered his weapon and turned to face Jake. He growled angrily as he nodded his head slightly. He understood where Jake was coming from and accepted that it was not his place to slay another in this world, especially since the girl creature could now be rightfully classed as a refugee. With an unhappy grunt the man turned and walked back through the portal. As he went through he spoke to Jake, his words moving through the portal. “You better send her back here soon boy. I wasn’t lying when I told you that she is dangerous, bad things happen around her, dark forces. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when people start turning up dead.” Jake stared at the portal as his mind absorbed what the man had said and what he had meant. Jake only snapped back to reality when he heard a low groan behind him. He turned to see the girl moving about on the ground as she regained consciousness. He hadn’t taken a good look at her until now. Jake walked over to her and fell back onto his knees; the pain in his hand was almost unbearable. He winced in pain before tearing the bolt out of his hand, allowing more blood to flow freely from the wound. “You owe me girl,” he said quietly as she opened her eyes and looked at him. He was smiling at her, despite the overwhelming pain. He was about to study her but instead he passed out cold, having lost too much blood already. - “Huh? Where am I?” Jake groaned lightly as he awoke. He quickly realised that he was in a bed, a hospital bed! He sat bolt upright and immediately fell back down again, pain soaring through his body. After the pain had subsided he carefully propped himself up into a sitting position. He grunted and winced as he felt slight pain in his left hand. Looking down upon it he found it to be completely wrapped in bandages and a small tube leading out from his wrist. He stared at the tube, confused at what it was, and then it struck him. The tube was there to allow blood from a blood pack to enter his body, to replace the blood he had lost. “Oh man, how long was I out for? What happened?” he asked himself as he continued to look around the room, noticing that the blood pack was almost empty and another already empty one lying on a small metal tray beside the bed. It seemed that he had lost quite a bit of blood but he had been out long enough for most of it to be replaced. “Well I guess that’s why I don’t feel as woozy as I thought I would,” he thought as he shook his head slowly. There was a curtain around his bed, leaving about half a metre of floor space for people to stand around his bed. But there was something strange about the curtain that Jake just couldn’t put his finger on. He wasn’t sure why it had been pulled all the way around his bed, preventing him from seeing what lay beyond, but that may have just been hospital regulations or something like that. “Hey… those colours! They’re not the hospitals regular light green-blue colour. I doubt the hospital would of changed their curtains colours, but I know I’ve seen them somewhere before,” he said to himself quietly, making sure that he didn’t wake up anyone else who may be in the room sleeping. He sat there in the bed quietly thinking to himself, “Why would the curtains be a different colour and pulled all the way around. Actually why would I even be here? It’s quite obvious that I must have lost a lot of blood but how? And when?” His thoughts trailed back to before he had lost consciousness. He began to remember what happened, the portal thing, the man with the crossbow, the bolt in his hand and… a girl! He was just about to put the events in order in his mind and replay them when he heard voices on the other side of the curtain. Someone must have just come into the room, the doctor perhaps? _____________________________________________ that's it so far... I have some more on my USB Drive but I can't be buggered getting it right now. |
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| Nubi | Aug 5 2007, 07:03 AM Post #2 |
 
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Just one thing, you might elaborate on the 'killing people in other worlds' concept. I understand it, but it sounds like there are a set of laws or rules that have to be followed. Other then that I enjoyed reading it through. I just don't know where its going until you post more. Basic writing tips, never go easy with the details. Describe the school yard/building, portal, and characters so the readers can get a really mental image. Although, I could see what was happening quite nicely. *looks at hand painfully* |
"I'm sure that there is no meaning in this world... But isn't that great? That means you can find your own." - Felicia (Sora no Woto)
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| soul of sin | Aug 5 2007, 07:30 AM Post #3 |
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Royal Deity
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XD yeah well it is the first draft. I put my drafts up on forums to learn where I need to improve the story. |
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| Nubi | Aug 5 2007, 03:33 PM Post #4 |
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Good tactic. Just don't leave us hanging? |
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"I'm sure that there is no meaning in this world... But isn't that great? That means you can find your own." - Felicia (Sora no Woto)
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| soul of sin | Aug 6 2007, 08:36 AM Post #5 |
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Royal Deity
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don't worry I won't. In about a week I'll put up more of the story. Hopefully everyone else will comment on what is up so far. |
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| Nubi | Aug 9 2007, 07:56 AM Post #6 |
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Few people seem to comment on the Literature lately. Hmmm. Have to do something about that. |
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"I'm sure that there is no meaning in this world... But isn't that great? That means you can find your own." - Felicia (Sora no Woto)
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| ArchAngel | Aug 9 2007, 06:19 PM Post #7 |
The True Master of Battle
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Maybe you can make a quest about like writing some short stories or something and getting renown and like commenting on a certain number of stories to get renown. Oh and I really liked this kinda don't understand some of it but it left me hanging. Can't wait to find out what happens! |
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From this day to the ending of the world we in it shall be remembered. We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me shall be my brother. Rangers, Lead the Way! The object of war isnt to die for your country but to have the other bastard die for his. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. | |
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| soul of sin | Aug 11 2007, 12:32 PM Post #8 |
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Royal Deity
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thanks for the comment Arch. More coming up within the next few days. |
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| ArchAngel | Aug 11 2007, 06:15 PM Post #9 |
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The True Master of Battle
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No problem. It is really interested. Because now I want to find out who the strange girl is, about the portals and worlds, and the strange man. Oh and what is going to happen to the kid. Keep up the good work. |
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From this day to the ending of the world we in it shall be remembered. We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me shall be my brother. Rangers, Lead the Way! The object of war isnt to die for your country but to have the other bastard die for his. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. | |
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| Chrono T. | Aug 13 2007, 07:21 AM Post #10 |
Master of Time and Space
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I had no idea what was going on when I first read this... I still don't have aclue... But I just wanted you to know that... post the rest so I can understand... |
 by Rikku 
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| soul of sin | Aug 13 2007, 09:27 AM Post #11 |
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Royal Deity
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ok here is another two and a bit pages: “This way Sir, the boy should still be asleep so we have to be quiet.” “Ok Doctor, don’t worry I’ll be as quiet as a mouse. The girl is in the next room anyway isn’t she? So why did we come in here? I want an explanation.” “Ah yes well you see, all the beds where taken up by injured soldiers in the next room so we thought that it should be safe enough to keep her in here. I mean the only other person in here is the boy.” “Well I guess it is ok then Doctor. As long as you make sure nothing goes wrong. I am not going to clean up your mistakes!” Jake caught his breath and sat as still as he could. He didn’t want to alert them of his consciousness just yet. He sat and listened to the sound of their footsteps as they passed by his bed. Jake waited until they had reached the other side of the room before moving again. He took in air slowly, he hadn’t released that he had been holding his breathe. “This is really, really weird. But did they say something about a girl?” he thought to himself as he moved closer to the edge of the bed. He wasn’t sure if he could get out without making a sound so he grabbed the metal tray and reached out. With the added length of the tray he managed to reach and slightly parted the curtains so he could see what was going on. He winced as pain shot through his arm suddenly as he put weight on it. Outside the curtain there were plenty of empty beds with the curtains pulled back, but at the other end of the room there was a bed hidden from view. The curtain had been pulled around; obviously indicating that this was the bed the girl was lying in. “What happened that could have possibly gotten me brought here to this place. What is this place anyway? It doesn’t look like a normal hospital at all,” he thought to himself as he parted the curtains a little more. Suddenly two men moved out from behind the other curtain. “Oh shit!” he muttered to himself as he retracted his arm, letting the curtain fall back into place. Jake held his breath again and remained still, once again waiting for the people to pass his bed and leave. Hopefully he hadn’t been seen, that was quite a close call. He guessed that they had just came in to have a quick look at the girl as he hadn’t heard anything that sounded remotely like speaking and they had only been in there for a minute or so. “I wonder who the girl is? And was that guy in a military uniform?” he thought to himself as he listened to the footsteps passing by the bed and out of the room. Then it struck him, he was in a military hospital! It must have been because he had made contact with the man who came through the portal. “But why bring a girl here? The only girl around was… oh no they got here too! They could be experimenting on her! I have to save her,” he thought suddenly as he got out of his bed. The grated metal floor was cold and felt like it was wet. Jake grabbed the rack thing that held the blood pack that was still draining into him. Only now did he really start to feel the effects of the blood lose he had suffered. He stumbled slight and kind of fell through the curtains but quickly regained his balance. The room was much larger than he had first assumed. There seemed to be about four to five rows of around twenty medical beds in each. He was in the third from the door in the row on what he assumed was the left side of the room. The girl appeared to be in the last bed in the next row. He wasted no time in dashing over haphazardly towards the bed the girl occupied. He reframed from tearing the curtain off the rail as he pulled it aside and moved onto the other side. He caught his breath and spun around as he saw the girl. “She’s… she’s… she’s completely naked!” he thought wildly, his face turning a bright red colour. Suddenly he looked down, frightened by what he just realised he might see. He sighed in relief as he saw that he was still wearing his school uniform. He guessed that they didn’t both wasting time with changing his clothes when they brought him in here to treat his wound. He stood up straight again, stumbling slightly as he tried to regain his balance. He peeked around his shoulder at the girl again, keeping his eyes trained on her head. Her hair was a deep red colour, short and kind of messy. Her face seemed to be that of a human, with eyes, nose, mouth, ears. All the normal stuff was there. The only thing out of place was her strange skin. It was a creamy colour, almost yellow. Despite this unusual factor she still had a cute face. He scanned her face taking it in. He wanted to study the rest of her body but didn’t want to look at her naked body. That would be an invasion of privacy and he was against such things, even if he done it many times before. “Ah damn them. Why did they have to undress her?” he muttered to himself, looking for something to cover her body with. He searched the immediate area around the girl’s bed. He found her clothes and what appeared to be a sheet of some sort on a small shelf under the bed. It was most likely just a random part of the bed frame and not a shelf but Jake praised the slacker who had decided to give it a temporary purpose. He stood up again and quickly flicked the sheet over the girl’s torso, covering all of her private parts. Now only her head, neck, the top of her shoulders and chest, legs and tail were showing. “Wait a second… tail? She’s got a tail!?” he said slowly, his eyes moving back over her body to the tail that poked out between her legs. It wasn’t the only strange thing below her waist. He legs appeared to be mostly human with the exception of the feet. They were small and elongated. Their basic shape was similar to that of a canines hinder legs, just minus the fur. Both her tail and legs were the same creamy-yellow colour that her face was. Jake shrugged; it was obvious that her whole body was this colour. He studied her tail closer; the underside was kind of stripped, much like the underbelly of a blue-tongued lizard. It was really quite odd, what kind of creature was she? “Oh crap no time to wake her and find out,” Jake muttered as he head footsteps and familiar voices outside the room. The doctor and military officer had come back, but why? He looked around furiously. He had to hide, but where? His bed was too far away to get back over too, and not to mention the curtain was pulled around still. The footsteps and voices where getting louder. Jake panicked and raced across the room as quickly as he could with the rank. He had managed to be relatively quiet in his little dash to the far side of the room. He moved his rack behind a rather clustered group of racks and ducked down behind them. He began to push the group of racks closer to the girl’s bed until he was sure he was close enough to hear the men without being caught. Jake brushed his hands against his jeans, he had to hastily yank the sheet off the girl, fold it up and put it back before closing the curtain. The whole process had made his hands feel funny, most likely from the sudden rush of new blood through them. He caught his breath again as the men entered the room. Luckily it appeared that they hadn’t noticed the cluster of racks and moved back to the girls bed. “So doctor what can you tell me about the event which brought us this interesting specimen?” “Yes Sir. Well firstly it is theorised that she has come from an alternate dimension or other world. She obviously isn’t human but still a humanoid. Her DNA pattern is almost identical to that of a human though…” “Yes, yes. I know that doctor. We covered it already. Tell me something new!” “Ah, yes, sorry. Well it seems the girl is around sixteen in human years. Her clothes are similar to those of our world with slight differences.” The military officer groaned. Obviously there was something he wanted to know that the doctor was avoiding. Jake growled inwardly, he wished the both of them would just hurry up and explain everything! He edged closer to the bed, making sure not to alert the men. |
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| Chrono T. | Aug 26 2007, 07:03 PM Post #12 |
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Master of Time and Space
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dem army guyz are dumbys... haha... anyway... post the next part.. I read this a while back, and you had me all worked up when you said a new part was up in the chatbox... <_< |
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by Rikku
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| Nubi | Sep 30 2007, 09:37 PM Post #13 |
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*prods SoS* Isn't there anymore? |
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"I'm sure that there is no meaning in this world... But isn't that great? That means you can find your own." - Felicia (Sora no Woto)
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| soul of sin | Oct 3 2007, 02:42 PM Post #14 |
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Royal Deity
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ah yes there is sorry, I've been busy lately. I should have more up soon! |
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| Chrono T. | Jan 15 2008, 10:01 AM Post #15 |
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Master of Time and Space
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ah... soon... like "next year" soon yes? |
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by Rikku
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